Is Mum dying?

I can’t even find how to add a picture of my Mum to this blog and yet the wish to write about what is happening to her and how I feel about it all feels almost overwhelming.

They called me in today to the hospital ward because her life signs were failing and it took me three hours to get to her bedside.

I went first to the morning prayer meeting… Why would it seem so important to go there, rather than straight to her bedside? And then, when I arrived at the hospital, why could I not find the ward, and instead ended up first in the chaplain’s office, asking if he would go and give my Mum the last rites, sometime, please?

Did I not want to know if she had died or not? Is it possible to stop someone from dying by not knowing if they are?

This evening I am calmer. She was still unresponsive when I went, but they were giving intravenous fluids and strong antibiotics, and oxygen, and she looked better than yesterday, as if the hospital-acquired chest infection was receeding, and she might recover. She’s quite tough.

The roller-coaster of emotions started to hold breath. I did not know that it was like this – the sense of dread.

Is my mother dying? I don’t yet know if it will be tonight, or if her body will endure for years beyond her clouding mind. Yes, death will come, and because of her age it will probably come sooner rather than later.

May God bless her. She is the one who gave me birth, and did her best for me. I don’t want her to die.

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